The 28th of January 2004...the day my dad passed away.
I remember staying up days and nights beside his bed waiting for the moment he'd wake up from his coma... I remember wanting to hear his final words not realizing that he already spoke them a month before.
I remember not being able to reconcile with the fact that his body was too powerless to lift him to go to the bathroom or even turn in his bed.
I remember screaming at a nurse's face for tying his hands to the bed. She said he was trying to remove the many tubes that were going in and out of his body & I screamed even more: "HE CAN'T MOVE! ARE YOU BLIND?" I remember wishing she was right.
I remember him getting skeleton-thin, when he could no longer be fed except by fluids through a tube.
I remember him not remembering me. I'd stand right infront of him and hear him ask: "who are you?"
I remember watching him from behind a glass barrier for 3 days when he was moved to the ICU.
I remember the moment I was told that he passed away.
I remember seeing him being identified by a toe-tag.
I remember the male nurse at the morgue.
I remember finding out at the funeral that I never really knew him.
I remember strangers coming up and telling me: "you must be his daughter. you look exactly like him."
I remember mama feeling that the funeral was her true wedding...the climax of her life's work..the reard for her suffering.
I remember dreaming that he woke up from the dead, then realized that the world is too ugly for anyone to rise from the grave.
I remember his friends who were not always in touch with him, calling to ask about him and I'd ask Sarah to tell them he is dead. I remember believing for a split of a second that he didn't actually die, that he was still here as long as some people still thought he was.
I remember the day mama got rid of all his belongings, his books, his clothes and even his pictures.
I remember feeling that maybe he never really existed, that he was just a fragment of my imagination.
I remember feeling bitter on hearing people say my "daddy" did this or my "daddy" said that.
I remember being asked what does my daddy do for a living and I'd answer that he was a pediatrician and they wouldn't notice that we are talking about a dead person.
I remember hearing the elevator stop at out floor, late at night and I'd think I'd hear the key turn then I'd see him coming from a long day of work like he usually did.
I remember him always telling me : "Smile now, Cry later." I remember that "later" never came as long as he was there. I remember the times he pretended to have a magic broom and told me he'd sweep everything I despise out of my life & I'd smile and say: "then all what'd be left is you."
A friend of mine told me that my dad would be aware of each and every step of my life and I should keep that in mind and try to make him proud of me.....but I don't believe that.
* This post was merely a perverse need I had to expose my ruins, my ugliness, to parade my misery, to uncover the stump of my amputated arm & force others to look at it.
I hope that exposing the outlines would help me be at peace with the rest of the things that've been living vividly in my head for 3 years now.
It is a tough old world, baby. If u r not bolted together u're gonna shake, rattle, & roll before u turn 30!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I remember....
posted by Veeeva at 1/28/2007 10:40:00 AM
| Permalink |
| Permalink |
24 Comments:
-
i want to hug u !!
i just felt so !!
i felt the feelings u have been through, it was my elder brother, it was a slow death it was painfull.
keep ur self strong and keep remembering him.
u have to know that ur friend is right, the dead ppl knows everything about there beloved relatives .. this is so known in islam, i do believe it. -
At 5:24 PM,
sorry for being so late in my comment.. so touching ya walaa..
i mentioned b4 that the only close person i lost to death was my nana (who was my safety).. until now i know i am not over her loss, and i miss her the most when my life is ugly.. i try to find comfort in all the loving memories, i close my eyes so hard and remember her warm hug.. yeah it makes me cry even harder, but i know i am lucky i still have something to hold on to, even if it's just a memory..
he probably doesn't have an idea what's going on with u (although it's pretty romantic to think he does), but u know u can always pray for him and wish him heavens, this will always count fe mezan 7asanatoh..
other than that, i would be a liar if i tell u that one day u'll be ok with it.. just be strong or at least try.. don't hate me for telling u that -
Munther: 7abib alby
thanks alot for ur words. u touched my heart.
Jokerman:
missed u moot asln i wanted to email u but i've been in a crappy mood lately... nefsi t7es eni mesh gloomy all the time.
ravine85:
thanks for ur sweet words.
mitr2a3:
i so much need a hug.
today i went out with some friends and found myself laughing hysterically... b3d kda el noor 2ata3 fi nasr city kolaha
(mesh kolaha awy y3ni)
insomniac:
u r not late wala 7aga..i posted this today!
i won't hate u tb3an..thats silly!!
memories r all i have like u say..and i hope no1 would lose his fav. parent (or any parent) coz it hurts beyond discription. -
oh..
اللهم ارحمه و اغفر له بعفوك و اجمعه مع من أحب في فردوسك الأعلى...
I guess that made you realize how short life is, we may lose some beloved 2day, 2morrow, or 60 years later...but we will Definitely lose them one day...life's a second
The hardest on me was the death of my best friend, he was electrically shocked dead in a swimming pool !..in Egypt tab3an !..I couldn't even cry when I had been told.
living itself is a "dying slowly" state, some die slower than others, but in the end they die too!
Hope you got over the whole thing, and wish you eternal happiness in Beyond insha'allah! -
my tears flooded when u talked about his saying to u smile now cry later
i would sweep sadness:(
he was that kind , god rest his soul
و يغفرله ذنوبه و يسكنه فسيح جناتة
always remember him nd read el "fat7a " on his soul nd go to his kabr nd read some qur2an there for him
yup madinat nas dalmet today i live in front of city stars nd i was in the dark too -
At 4:55 PM,
salateenoo -
death is so difficult and may i first say that i'm very sorry for all that you went thru.
i didn't have a father growing up, but i so wish i did. altho, i can't imagine losing him and going thru the things that you write about here.
may the pain be lifted from your heart, but may you always remember his love and what he meant to you.
i'm terrible at giving advice and such for ppl who are mourning losses... i'm just terrible w/ death. but... this is a very touching post and i'd admire you for being so truthful. -
At 3:02 AM,
-
i think all collegues said much of what i am expected to say..
what i like to add is that people we love leave a great emptiness in our lives.. i felt that when my father was dead in 1998..
but ..
if those persons are alive now for one just moment.. they will tell us one thing:
"Carry your life on.. coz life must go on".. -
I am sorry for your loss. I felt, when I lost my first parent, that I had entered a different category than I had lived in before--sort of like a new island that only people in the same position could understand. When a relationship with a parent is difficult, I believe the death of the parent is harder for the child to deal with. The active relationship is over, so you mourn for all the moments that could've been as well as what was.
Hi Still b,
This is a very moving post, always remember, your father is now in a better place, which he looks upon you from everyday. So like your friend said, make him proud my friend.
الله يرحمه و اسكنه الله في نعيم جناته انشاء الله