Sheer mental garbage.

a moment of silence....please.

2007-02-20T19:15:00.000+02:00

I didn't ask why did u do this to yourself....

2007-02-16T15:42:00.000+02:00

I asked "How could you do this to me?"

It is REALLY as simple as that.

2007-02-12T17:08:00.000+02:00

5 Things You Don't Know About Me.

2007-02-07T15:10:00.000+02:00

Solitude tagged me ...and here it goes!

1- I used to wear only men's shirts.... and I secretly still love them.

2- I like order...but watching chaos from the OUTSIDE is fun!!!

3- I've walked barefoot in the middle of the summer on boiling asphalt. (PAIN)

4- I have 15 syringe marks on my left arm.

5- I used to squeeze a lil dab of mustard on my palm and lick it....it was like candy or something.

I pass it to:

Kareemfromegypt
Daisy
Alaa el din
Munther!!

just chalk.

2007-02-05T01:35:00.000+02:00

P.S. to the guys: u r supposed to be looking at the hearts.

I remember....

2007-01-28T10:40:00.000+02:00

The 28th of January 2004...the day my dad passed away.

I remember staying up days and nights beside his bed waiting for the moment he'd wake up from his coma... I remember wanting to hear his final words not realizing that he already spoke them a month before.

I remember not being able to reconcile with the fact that his body was too powerless to lift him to go to the bathroom or even turn in his bed.

I remember screaming at a nurse's face for tying his hands to the bed. She said he was trying to remove the many tubes that were going in and out of his body & I screamed even more: "HE CAN'T MOVE! ARE YOU BLIND?" I remember wishing she was right.

I remember him getting skeleton-thin, when he could no longer be fed except by fluids through a tube.

I remember him not remembering me. I'd stand right infront of him and hear him ask: "who are you?"

I remember watching him from behind a glass barrier for 3 days when he was moved to the ICU.

I remember the moment I was told that he passed away.

I remember seeing him being identified by a toe-tag.

I remember the male nurse at the morgue.

I remember finding out at the funeral that I never really knew him.

I remember strangers coming up and telling me: "you must be his daughter. you look exactly like him."

I remember mama feeling that the funeral was her true wedding...the climax of her life's work..the reard for her suffering.

I remember dreaming that he woke up from the dead, then realized that the world is too ugly for anyone to rise from the grave.

I remember his friends who were not always in touch with him, calling to ask about him and I'd ask Sarah to tell them he is dead. I remember believing for a split of a second that he didn't actually die, that he was still here as long as some people still thought he was.

I remember the day mama got rid of all his belongings, his books, his clothes and even his pictures.

I remember feeling that maybe he never really existed, that he was just a fragment of my imagination.

I remember feeling bitter on hearing people say my "daddy" did this or my "daddy" said that.

I remember being asked what does my daddy do for a living and I'd answer that he was a pediatrician and they wouldn't notice that we are talking about a dead person.

I remember hearing the elevator stop at out floor, late at night and I'd think I'd hear the key turn then I'd see him coming from a long day of work like he usually did.

I remember him always telling me : "Smile now, Cry later." I remember that "later" never came as long as he was there. I remember the times he pretended to have a magic broom and told me he'd sweep everything I despise out of my life & I'd smile and say: "then all what'd be left is you."

A friend of mine told me that my dad would be aware of each and every step of my life and I should keep that in mind and try to make him proud of me.....but I don't believe that.

* This post was merely a perverse need I had to expose my ruins, my ugliness, to parade my misery, to uncover the stump of my amputated arm & force others to look at it.

I hope that exposing the outlines would help me be at peace with the rest of the things that've been living vividly in my head for 3 years now.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

2007-01-26T13:17:00.000+02:00

blogging about bloggers!

2007-01-03T12:16:00.000+02:00

I dunno how for long I've been blogging but I know that I've enjoyed my time, most of my time, coz of these people....
the names are not put in order of preference :)

Just one wish ..If you have the stupid word verification on.. please please please remove it..thank you :)

anyway,

Let's start with the girls!

Daisy : I know her in real life and she is the one who introduced me to the blogging world. When I got to read what she types I felt that I'm getting the chance to know her deeper..and understand her more.
I love her and I think I should tell her that more often. Love U nonosh.

Tooners: She is someone who can make you feel she's talking to you..not just typing and no matter what she is saying it is never boring!

N : This girl amazes me with her posts!!! I read her blog regularly but I don't comment very often coz I pretty much have nothing to say and when I do it turns out to be petty. Her style is beautiful and I like the way she knows exactly what she is feeling and how she puts it in words.
She emailed me after reading one of my posts and her words really helped me... yet she is unaware of that.

Maat : She is one of the bloggers that I wanna meet. We are not close or anything of the sort yet she's already calling me by my name and sometimes nickname! I didn't know how to pronounce "Maat" till I saw it typed in arabic. Oneday I'll ask her why did she choose it.

Now it is the guys turn!!

Kareem : At first he commented on my blog so I went to check his and to my surprize i spent half the night reading it all (yea thats including the archives). Whoever checks his blog knows that he has an asshole friend... now I'm afraid that Kareem won't be blogging as much as he used to after his friend is no more an asshole, or so I suppose.

Deeb : Seriously this guy can do better... Really, he is a bookworm and a computer geek (these are supposed to be compliments ya ahmed). And O, he looks better than those pix on his other blog.

Munther : This guy has a great taste coz he has the same template that I have!!! LOL.. actually I'm proud we are friends and I wanna meet him oneday..
My chances to visit Bahrain are pretty non-existent so I guess he'll just have to fly all the way over here :)
And for a while I didn't know how "munther" is pronounced...shame on me.

قلم جاف : He has this special way of analyzing things... and can find faults nearly everywhere...but he does that with a good sense of humor mixed with sarcasm that you'll just adore his writings.

Salateeno: If he ever emails u, u must make sure to reply right away or he'll get really pissed off! but in general he is kind and sweet... one can't help loving him.
Can I dare ask him to be patient till my exams are over?

Jokerman : The Mystery Guy!! All i know about him is that he is a guy and I guess he is from Egypt..and thats all!!! C'mon! Why all the secrecy????
Sometimes I wish I could comment more on his blog... but his posts rarely interest me.

Alaa el din : I got to know his blog through Daisy and even though I may stay away from the whole blogging thing for a while, I check his blog whenever I get back.
And I must mention : he has an exquisite taste in women.

Kelma :If u have all the troubles in the world this guy can make u step out of your gloomy existence for a minute and make you laugh. He is That Hilarious!!! need I say more?

El sede3' : Ok, so life sucks big time... you don't have to remind us in every post man!
lol..I'm just teasing him... he knows I "hate" him :)

Adam : nekteb 3arabi b2a 3shan yb2a el kalam wade7..

Maxxed out : He hates me and I now comment on his blog as anonymous (not all anonymous comments r mine for sure) so as not to bother him.

Godfather A.K.A Gun Barrel Kalashnikov: *edited*

Raven : He is a helluva good writer! I enjoy reading his blog...though his font is grey on a black background..but its damn worth it.
He gives me the impression that deep down he is reeeeeeeeeeeally sad.

Now the rest of you :Utopian,فهرنهايت,إياكش تولع,Mitr2a3,ميشيل حنا,Insomniac,Hurricane_x ,Batabeet,MechanicalCrowds,Bahz Baih,كلبوزة,Ma3alinaI do enjoy your posts ...so keep blogging!!!
Remember everyone.. the word verification ,ok? mesh hafkarko tani...and wish me luck in my exams!

Dhuuuhhhhh

2007-01-01T09:50:00.000+02:00

Man, the answer can't be A; the last three answers were A. but what if I was wrong and the last answer was C instead. I'm pretty sure this one is A. Okay I'll go double check the others just to make sure. Yeah, you know what maybe last question was C, When in doubt go with C, right?

Damn I love to hate multiple-choice tests. I love them when I know too little and I hate them when I know too much.
Thats what I'll be dealing with in the next 3 weeks...of course not all my exams are multiple
choice (i wish they were!)..I do have some essay tests before which I'll probably mix raw liver with egg yolk and drink it so I'd be puking that slimy chunky blood red stuff all over the place. If you want them to get you off an exam you'll have to pulk your insides up... it always works.

The fact always remains that exams suck big time...mine will be over on the 25th of Jan.
Till then everyone will keep smoking, driving erratically and acting pretty fucked up in general.

Sorry if this post isn't your cup of tea, I'll write about boobies when I get back.

who'd believe this crap in the first place????

2006-12-29T22:13:00.000+02:00

This is the 2nd time i receive this very same email entitled "please reply soon"!!.... the only difference is the name of the sender.

FROM THE DESK OF DR ALI IBRAHIM.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGERFOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
AFRICA DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB)OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.

Dear friend ,

I am the manager of bill and exchange at FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.AFRICA DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB)
I am writing, following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who runs a consultancy firm in your country. He assured me of your capability and releability to champion thisbusiness opportunity.In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of U.S$15m US dollars (Fifteen Million US dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family on Monday,31 July, 2000,in a plane crash.

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlines and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after four years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreign as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.We agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 65% would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and locationwherein the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or e-mail the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is risk-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter for more explanations.

Yours faithfully,DR ALI IBRAHIM..
dr_aliibrahim2@hotmail.fr

and O I almost forgot, Happy new year every1!!

long live liberty!

2006-12-10T23:14:00.000+02:00

The Idea.

2006-12-05T11:56:00.000+02:00

The idea is that you have some great ideas. The idea is sometimes you don't notice your great ideas because they are very different from what already exists.
That difference, which makes you shy off your ideas, is part of what makes your great ideas great and needed.
The idea is that the rest of us could use your great ideas if you get them among us.
The idea is that your different ideas could help make a different world that would be a better place for us all to live.
The idea is that some of the words here remind you of your ideas.

Die,bitch,DIE.

2006-11-24T12:58:00.000+02:00

I am sick and tired of picking you up off the floor, of all the damage you cause around you... the burned carpets, the holes in the wall from the furniture you fall into. You are covered in bruises and scrapes, but yet you continue to use. You NEVER remember the things you do, or the things you say to me when you are like this... you black out and eventually pass out... that is when the peace comes for me... the ONLY fucking peace I ever get lately.

Now THIS?? ... you are going to kill yourself ? ... I ask you to put the razor blade down but you are too shitfaced to form words... you run to the other side of the bed to escape me and threaten me with actually doing it this time. You tell me your life is shit and nobody will care... you tell me you have nothing, you FEEL nothing... and it isn't worth going on. I remind you that we love you... of all your friends that love you.... of the positive aspects , but none of it matters now. This is the drugs talking, if you were straight this wouldn't be happening. If you were straight we wouldn't be where we are today... IF YOU WERE ONLY FUCKIN STRAIGHT!

This isn't the first time you have threatened to do this, but it is the most serious of the threats. This time you have kicked it up a notch and taken out the razor blade you had hidden under the mattress, to prove it. What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? Words bounce off you, threats are useless, rationing with you is a mute point... what do I do? .. I have no idea how to react or diffuse this when you are THIS fucked up.

I do the only thing I can think of.... I grab for your arm, then I grab for your throat and pin you to the wall while I scream incoherent words at your twisted and contorted face. The blade falls as I throw you to the ground, the temptation to stomp your skull to a pulp while you are down there is overwhelming and I consider, for more than a few seconds, snapping your neck to end all this suffering and pain... both yours and mine. I can't do anything but shake... that's all I can do, the rage inside of me is burning, I hate you for making our life like this, I hate you for putting me through this... I just hate you right now, but for now it's over. Sure, you threaten that when I come home tomorrow I will find you dead... but I've heard that before and for now the drama is over. For NOW we both have another day together, for what that's worth.

Morning comes, how do I face you ? .. What do I say ? In the back of my mind I pray you won't wake up, that I will find your lifeless body in bed, still and quiet... But that's not my luck. You will wake again and not remember anything, except for the bruises and sore spots on your battered body. Then the questions will come, and the denial... followed by more & more pills. The cycle continues and I don't know how to stop it... I don't know if I should stop it? Maybe it's what's supposed to happen to you, to us. Maybe THIS is how it ends.

I wish you'd die...actually more than you do.

Who needs love anyway?

2006-11-23T21:25:00.000+02:00

Kareem rated his life and I took the same quiz.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.8
Mind:	5.1
Body:	8.4
Spirit:	3.8
Friends/Family:	1.8
Love:	0
Finance:	4.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

You people take it too..and tell me your results.

I'm not a happy bunny. in fact, I'm quite a peeved little Flib.

2006-11-19T20:18:00.000+02:00

I've recently realized how much I admire those who give us a break every now and then by not posting anything at all in their blogs.... these people rock big time.

Its normal to be running out of ideas.... and if thats the case with you now, let me tell you that I REALLY don't need to know how much you masturbate in every new post.
Maybe people should start putting warnings in their titles so that we'd be prepared for what we'll be reading...I'm not quite a fan of knowing whether your day was good or not... so if thats what your blog is about, better put a title like "pages from a hello kitty diary".

If you are desperate for more comments, better read "The art of being an internet whore: how to get hits on your posts". It'll probably tell you Toilet humor never fails and all that sort of things.

And some people don't know when to end their posts!!
That's right, I don't want to sit here for six hours reading about whatever you are saying. Your deep-felt political views won't seem so to me, and the popular music you love is just your shitty taste..why would you think I'll be reading this?

The thing is, post whatever you feel like posting..its your blog after all, but don't be mad at me for not commenting on your posts (though you comment on mine)..and O, don't forget to put a more descriptive title... a warning sort of thing.

If only you knew.

2006-11-14T11:58:00.000+02:00

"It'll never come to that. You'll always have friends and family."

I remembered having that conversation, but I don't remember why, or with whom. I do remember however, that, man, was I ever feeling down on life. Don't they have family? Don't they have friends? Come on, EVERYONE has friends. Give me a break, all it takes is a few bucks to get to where you're going, and the basic drive of self preservation to get you through the ordeal. A job is a job. Anything beats laying your head on an old pile of rags on a winter day that feels like the inside of a witches tit, trying to get some sleep while the world works double-time around you, the city's ants swarming up and down the streets with their W Hotel umbrellas and heavy trench coats, being oh-so-careful not to step on you.

The mind plays tricks, though. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Sure, once I was doing all right for myself ,enjoying myself, going out, meeting new people, and generally just putting some words on the pages of my book between page 1 and page 100 ... That, however, slowly became unacceptable. Unexpectedly, the shame I had over every stupid little thing I had ever done slowly took control, making me regret even saying hello to that cute guy at my college. It consumed me, invaded my every thought, and slowly turned me into a dejected, anti-social monster.

People used to tell me not to make waves. Waves cause trouble, and trouble just ain't worth it. So I stopped making waves. I gave up. I don't know why. There's no rhyme or reason. I was just too terrified of the consequences of even the most insignificant actions.
I couldn't brush my teeth. The water from the sink would wake the neighbors.
I couldn't cook. The clicking of the stove would mess up the flight pattern of some random plane passing overhead.
I couldn't leave the house.
TV? You must be insane.
The doctors, I'm sure, had a name for it, I just couldn't remember what it was. Finally, they just outright kicked me out on my ass. Couldn't sleep anymore. Hadn't shown up for college in weeks. They forced me into the world I didn't want to be a part of.

I just wanted to be left alone. I walked through the streets for days, looking for someplace to hide. Nowhere was good enough. I was tired. Exhausted, really, from trying to do nothing. That alley looks dark enough. Let me just sit for a minute, and rest my mind and soul. So what if it's wet? I'll dry eventually, right? I slid down the wall, my knees up against my chest, my head down. A few feet away, I could hear the general cacophony of life milling about all around me, mocking me and twisting that knife just a little more.
I had become..... The Eye of the Storm.

I've been to the land of milk and honey....

2006-11-12T18:16:00.000+02:00

.....and it sucked .

2006-10-30T06:06:00.000+02:00

All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

2006-10-27T14:10:00.000+02:00

Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup—they all die. So do we.
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living.
Think of what a better world it would be if we all—the whole world—had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is better to hold hands and stick together.

*From "chicken soup for the soul"

P.S. thanks to Salateeno, Mitr2a3 , Kalshinkov and everyone who kept checking my blog in Ramadan.

Wake me up when Ramadan ends.

2006-09-25T13:59:00.000+02:00

12 years ago...

2006-09-23T23:47:00.000+02:00

When I was a kid, I used to play "the fainting game" with my younger brother and another little boy who lived next doors...it was all about acting like you've passed out..so yea, it was dumb...but it was fun...sometimes we'd try to cut off the oxygen supply to the brain and when that is done, we kinda achieved a type of "high".

But there was something about Faisal (our neighbor) that I couldn't quite understand...he was never happy..not even when we played..I remember one day when he'd just got back from his preschool and asked me : "why couldn't All the King's horses, And all the King's men put Humpty Together again?"
Well..I didn't know the answer then..though there could've been a million reason, I'm pretty convinvced that Nursery Rhymes are created just to depress kids...
and its not only humpty dumpty..there's also London bridge that's falling down and many others..

the thing is, on that same day Faisal died during our "fainting game"..the poor boy was either trying too much to win or was really sad coz of what happened to dumpty...i guess it was coz of dumpty after all.

it was the 24th of September...12 years ago.

Taste the Rainbow!

2006-09-21T20:40:00.000+03:00

Do I like sugar alot because of a chemical imbalance, a tendency to low blood sugar?

I was a little kid born to ecstasy, looking for intense sweetness in a group of people dedicated to the holiness of the dull.

Candy was ( & is still ) the only intensely sweet thing apparent to me after I was at all socialized. And after the short, sweet hit, it would physically bring me down....
So I wouldn't be an ecstatic little kid anymore..but a bummed out little kid, in a bummed out little world.

My fav. are:

Fluffy Stuff Cotton Candy & Marshmallow.
Ice Cream Rolls
Raspberry Creme Cakes
Sour Magic Gum
Galaxy Caramel bars
& sour jellybeans

So, what are yours?

Sheer Mental Garbage.

2006-09-19T18:46:00.000+03:00

I took a day off from pretending. Normalcy is a train full of relatively happy, ordinary people. I typically sit in the last car, watching them and wondering how I can assimilate well enough to fool them, and more importantly myrself, into believing that my ticket is valid. The back door malfunctions and I have to keep a tight grip on the safety lever to keep the whole thing from flying open. But today my arms are tired and I just let go, fall out. I'll get back on, probably. It'll take all the more effort to catch up to the caravan but it doesn't really matter; I don't belong there, and the ride makes me nauseous.

Off the train, it's even worse. It was warmer inside, safer. Outside, I don't know what to do. I've lost my sense of control, what now? Just fucked up, juvenile confusion and rage. Intense anger, I don't know where it comes from or why, but it comes, and rattles my insides. It's good, though. It's a high, it's a feeling. A feeling is better than no feeling.

Lock the door, even though I want to be everywhere but here, tearing the shit out of it all. What the fuck is wrong with me? Goddamn watch keeps beeping and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to light some candles, but I always forget to cut the wick and end up smoking the whole place out. I cry a little, but not nearly as much as I'd like.

A letter came the other day. From my aunt, she included a check for fifty bucks. I'm reminded of the two times she's called, how I never called back. She's in the hospital—something crazy is going on with her ovary. It burst, or something, if that's possible. I don't know, I haven't called. I care, just not as much as I should.

What I really care about is the probability that I'm being poisoned by toxic metals. It makes sense, in a way. It's not terribly uncommon. There are twenty-one pill bottles on my shelf. I looked at them all today and realized how I'd react if I saw them in someone else's room. But they help.

I'm so two-faced and moody .I don't know who to trust, who to love, who to hate. I'm psychologically capable of sincerely hating and loving someone simultaneously, and it's not an infrequent occurrence. Someone wants to help me, he says he cares about me, but I wonder what's in it for him. He's trying to brainwash me, most likely. I trust my gut, and my gut tells me everyone looks out for himself, first and foremost. It's just a natural thing. He wants something, I have nothing, there's no point to it. Besides, he taps into something I don't like. He sees things I don't want people to see, and I can't stand it.

One person buys my phony act, or at least pretends to, and that makes me feel good, safe, high. Normal, for just a little bit.

I make a lot of foolish mistakes, and I know I'm making them when I make them. I'm making one now.

I'm sick to my stomach, my mind is buzzing.

I taste metal. Why do I taste metal? I only drink bottled water—there might be copper in the tap. In fact, I blame the copper for all of this. I can't watch two handfuls of hair wash down the drain every night and not have something to blame. There has to be something to blame, and most likely, it's copper.

I'm so far from the person I used to be, I thought I'd be, the thought provokes a lump in my throat that's physically palpable. Maybe it's all my thyroid. They're doing studies on the nitrates in water and their interference with thyroid function.

I'm crazy, but at least I know it. It makes me even angrier. I can choose not to be crazy for a while, I can get back on the train, but it's not the same for me as it is for most people. I have to try so hard to hold onto the handle. Other people don't have to try like this, do they? They have to try, but not like this. Some people just board at the back of the train and never make their way up to the front. Some people board in the middle and get redirected to the back during the ride. It makes no difference where you start; once you're in the back it's hard as hell to stay on.

It's probably my fault. Was it my fault when I were four, and pulled out my eyelashes till my eyelids were bruised and bare?

The person I miss called today, asked how I'm doing & said we should spend some time together..then we both discovered we are damn too busy. I've been having dreams about that person lately. They make me feel warm. I think, there's a time when I were happy, and normal. Things were okay. Those times are gone.

I hate what Iwant, I don't know what you want. I'm a child. I'm not a child; I'm not a person. I'm shit. I feel like shit. I'm sick. Something is wrong.

Fuck it all. If only I could vomit everything. Throw up everything, and start the day with a clean gut. I'd make things better the next time around. If only I could drain all the blood from my body and pump my veins full of fresh life; everything inside now is dirty, poison.

My best friend needs my help. She just wants someone to talk to her; she's hurting. I can't talk to her.
I can't feel. I care, but not as much as I should.

What I really care about is the celery—should I eat it? It's a negative calorie food, but if I eat too much this late, will it spike my blood sugar and ultimately contribute to the progression of insulin resistance?

The train is so far ahead, it's become a speck on the horizon. I can't charge after the caboose, my joints are too stiff—probably because my vitamin D levels are suboptimal. It doesn't really matter; I don't belong there, and the ride makes me nauseous.

I'm tired and if I don't sleep, I'll subject myself to erratic cortisol fluctuations. On the tracks, I curl up, close my eyes, and wait for the next train.

The golden Mosque.

2006-09-18T06:55:00.000+03:00

The Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque in Brunei stands out like a jewel in downtown Bandar .... yea, it is the most expensive mosque in the world.

impressive, huh?

golden taps too..

how it is seen at night..

College and a lazy fat orange cat.

2006-09-17T13:49:00.000+03:00

ok, so college started and though i wanted to major in mircobiology but ended up with zoology i'm not quite bummed...i have nothing else to say, so i'll just leave u with this cartoon.

What happens if you say, "Screw You" to presidents or Prime minister?

2006-09-15T14:26:00.000+03:00

U.S.A.
Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

ENGLAND
The Prime minister says "Screw you too"...

FRANCE
Millions of people supports you and says "Screw you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of hissadness.

JAPAN
The Prime minister says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested in your body."

GERMANY
The police come and say "Please don't screw the president".

SWEDEN
People vote if they accept you to screw the Prime minister or not.If the answer is yes you screw the Prime minister. If the answer is no, the Prime minister shakes your hand.

TURKEY
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.

ITALY
You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.

RUSSIA
The president kisses your mouth.

SAUDI ARABIA
You say, "Screw you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you feel foolish. But if you say "screw you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...

EGYPT
You say "Screw you" to the president?!? You are too late my friend; you've already been "screwed" by the president!!

I hate college and I know I'm not alone.

2006-09-13T19:43:00.000+03:00

We go to classes ..we read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. we sleep very little. we bury ourselves in books. we become attached to close friends. we lean too much.we think often of the past then want to go back. we know we can't....some have seperate lives, families, backgrounds and pasts.
we live totally different from what we planned to. we are frustrated ,sometimes want to give up...but we never stop trying.

we disregard health. we eat awful foods.
some kill themselves with various types of smoke.
someone is always sick.
someone is always complaining.

we are forced to think about the future. we are scared and confused.we reach out for things yet we don't find them.we try to sort out our minds, which are filled with studies,worries,problems,emotions,and powerful feelings. we wander the halls looking for happiness.
we hurt alot.

we keep going though, because above all else, we never stop learning, gowing, changing and most imporatnt dreaming.
all we can do is be thankful we have something to hold unto, like dreams and each other.

Just checking!

2006-09-11T21:07:00.000+03:00

Kolona Laila: What feminism is all about.

2006-09-09T07:00:00.000+03:00

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and the word "feminism" was brought up in the conversation, and despite being a refined 25 year old guy he thought it is about stuff like getting everyone to be a lesbian, promoting abortion, rebelling for dumb reasons and insulting men all the same. I was shocked!!

Fearing that maybe the majority of men think the same, I wish they'd know that it is not a bullet aimed right at them simply because we -women- could never take aim at you -men-, you who are our lovers, friends, children..etc

Its just that we are put in a culture where we are not all free to fulfill our destinies. We are put into categories that don't have anything to do with our hearts and our souls reaching their potential.
The categories hurt you too.
We can't bear to see you hurt, or to see your daughters and sons hurt, to see your future husband or wife hurt. We can't stand by and let you feel worthless because you've lost your job, or for any other reason. Feminism fights for you too. Even if you can't believe this, then think of women as fighting for your daugher, your mother, you sister, your wife.

When the women you love are safe and happy, aren't you much safer and happier too?

We are not enemies. We count you as some of our strongest supporters. We love your concience, your sense of justice, and we love your willingness to back it up with words and actions. we love your jokes when we are taking things too seriously.

we will fight beside you as long as you don't underestimate our strength...and we will remember that your power is nothing to fear if you grant us the same favor.

laila's blog

Random things that make me happy.

2006-09-06T19:16:00.000+03:00

Blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Hiking and spending money.

Curling up with small book & read it in an hour.

Watering fake plants.

When I've been working out, and someone I know, like a casual friend, comes up to me and says some shit like, "Wow u look GREAT!!" Or something similar. (Sure, they're probably just bullshitting me, because I do the same thing to other people, but it makes me feel like someone is noticing my hard work, and inspires you sometimes to work harder. That rocks. )

Going to a race track and driving a regular car at high speed.

Pillow fights.

Playing kick the can , truth or dare & scrabble (without using real words).

Balancing something on a cat or tying a thread ending in a match box to a toad's leg.

Putting a surprize crazy bumper sticker on a friend's car.

Getting up early and not being tired.

Burning things with a magnifying glass.

Going to a candy store, buying a ton of candy and eat them all day.

Watching kids play - and joining in.

Eating vanilla icecream.

Falling asleep the moment I put my head on the pillow.

Receiving an unexpected email.

Rolling down a hill.

Taking candid shots.

Looking for shapes in the clouds and get to find one.

Well, there you have it. A list of 20 things that makes life not-suicide inducing.

Now you tell me what makes you happy :)

Who wants to get married???

2006-09-04T20:24:00.000+03:00

My sister is getting married and her imagination is filled with couples in furniture adverts who are always having pillow fights for some reason. She knows i'm against the idea of marriage & so she won't listen to me. Here's what i wanted to tell her.

After you get married you'll wish there were No friends, No football, just 24 hour devotion to you...but life ain't that generous!
Then one of you will inadvertenly start the chain which will eventually lead to the break-up process. You'd gradually stop thinking about everything that's going on inorder not to end up in a catatonic state listening to people pity you as they load you into an ambulance.
Having babies isn't as great as people say.
You'll fart, pee, puke, and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina -- which, by the way, has an eighty percent chance of tearing!

You'll have to keep a list of all things your baby needs. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot...& if you had to leave him with a nanny you'll have to remind her not to yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock your baby because you and your husband agreed that you would wait until he's quite a bit older before you started systematically ruining his life.

There'll be times when (s)he gets sick and noone to drive him to hospital so you struggle to find a minicab driver too hashed up to care about the vomit judging from the smell of the cab, & nah, you child won't be vomiting candy I'm telling you.. and other times when you fight about whether ur kid should in 20 years be a doctor or an engineer make sure not to do it infront of the entire neighbourhood or else they'd be throwing shoes at you. If you had twins it'll be like telling your husband : "sorry hon, you're spending the next 20 years in slavery"

Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down.

I miss my dad.

2006-09-03T15:10:00.000+03:00

This isn't meant to be funny so if your looking for humor it's not here, at least not intentionally. Boring I'm sure. But you have a boring life right, so sit back, listen and don't interrupt me or i'll feed your genitals to a rabid dog.
A lot has changed since my father's death. Death usually makes people feel as if time were suddenly precious, water going down an open drain, and they could not move quickly enough. But for me it was like time has packed its bags and left town.... as if everything will remain being put on hold though they may seem otherwise.
There are things that will always stay with you, daddy's death is one of them. It was the first time I have ever had to face my own immortality. At 19 I thought I were invincible.
What made matters worse is that my mama, being a chronic worrier and complainer, had to have someone to whom she can bitch about whatever is bothering her. My sister was bust grieving, my brother was always outdoors and so I had to sign up as a deaf statue for her unrelenting motormouth or else I'd have been a world-class felon in everybody's eyes. I'm not exaggerating, my mama speaks as if she'd been saving up the words for decades...and when my father died there was no point in interrupting her since all she talked of was the past and the things that could have been different but sadly they are not. At some point I felt I was cleaning some mess I didn't even participate in making which was the very same reason that made me feel guilty since I didn't stop it from happening.
That was more than 2 years ago which means life really goes on, Surprize Surprize, even if u think you deserve to have it paused. The thing, I'm glad it does go on...and opposite to my expectations, it actually took some good turns.

Moral of the story... Change is not all bad.

Even if u win...

2006-09-01T20:41:00.000+03:00

Why does everyone just want to argue on the internet? What's the point of it all? If you don't like something someone says, then just ignore it!

~Pain is Good~

2006-08-31T00:23:00.000+03:00

Become an Asshole - 7 easy steps

2006-08-26T21:31:00.000+03:00

To be a true asshole, you have to make people remember you and that's the very same reason you'd want to be one.

Now here's what to do..

1. Never respect anyone unless you're sure they could physically beat you up. This includes your own mother, police officers, teachers, the president and your boss.

2. Criticize everything, no matter how mundane or pointless it may be. Example: "These fries aren't very fucking crispy!"

3. Always cut people off, whether you're talking, driving, or having sex.

4. Flick cigarette butts at everything-all the time. Even if you don't smoke.

5. Call everyone you meet by the nickname "Chief." (Always roll your eyes when you say it.) For extra emphasis, roll your eyes, say "Chief" and flick a cigarette butt at the same time.

6. Always precede the word "man" with either "little," "Mr.," or "old." (Notice: This is especially useful when speaking to someone you know can not beat you up.)

7. Noogie every small child you meet until they cry--including newborn babies.

1 last thing: be be unusual all the time....esp. in verbal conflicts.

Having done that, Smile. You're officially an asshole

2006-08-25T14:48:00.000+03:00

There's no such thing as GRAVITY, the Earth just sucks.

36 Ways to kill yourself

2006-08-09T21:25:00.000+03:00

1-drink too many house cleaning agents
2-set fire to your eyeballs
3-skydive into an exploding volcano
4-cement yourself into the middle of a highway
5-try soaking your head in a bucket of ammonia. in 5 minutes, if you are still alive, repeat as necessary till dead
6-cut your head off with a razor blade and go into extreme ecstacy
7-drink a gallon of Nitrogrycerin and jump up and down vigirously
8-fart in a balloon and light a match
9-eat the stuff between your toes with a teaspoon of pepper and a drop of vinegar
10-fart in front of the meanest, fattest, teacher while bending over to pick up the pencil that you mistakenly (yeah, right!) dropped
11-eat shit and die
12-try skydiving underwater
13-sit on a pitchfork
14-cement yourself into the Great Wall of China
15-slide down a razor blade
16-cross a highway blindfolded (this is my fav.)
17-do whatever your parents say (yea it'll eventually kill u trust me)
18-eat that cake that's been sitting in the fridge for 2 months
19-try picking your brain via your nose
20-squeeze yourself into a microwave (and don't forget to turn it on [duh!])
21-sleep at the bottom of an elevator shaft
22-stick your hand ,or foot if desired, in a food processor
23-get your ear caught in the spokes of your bike while riding down a hill
24-sleep in your washing machine (or dryer for extra fluffyness)
25-loose the only key to your father's brand new Rolls Royce
26-cement yourself into the middle of a highway
27-volunteer to be a subway brake
28-look in the mirror [ha ha! just kiddin'!]
29-eat a piece of Uranium
30-lick a scientist's chemical lab table before he cleans up!
31-take a chainsaw, cut your head into thirds
32-slurp nuclear waste
33-stab yourself in 100 (and 1) places
34-ski off a cliff
35-you take a final relaxing dip in a pool of gasoline - you hang yourself from a branch of a tree - light the bonfire under you!
36-tie each of your ankles to the bumper of 2 cars and let them back out in different directions - Slowly!

Why Are Men Afraid of Commitment ?

2006-08-07T23:39:00.000+03:00

Good question, good question... Valid question; It seems more men are afraid of marriage then are afraid of a herd of stampeding pigs trampling their testicles into bloody pancakes. But why? Simple. Freedom.

Most men enjoy many freedoms far into a relationship. A man in a non-committed relationship still enjoys many guilty pleasures, such as a night out with the guys, and eating ice cream straight from the carton. Walking naked through the apartment, or the occasional allowance of rough anal sex. You know, innocent little freedoms that mean the world to them. Even when their significant other swears to them that these pleasures will not cease to be acceptable after marriage, in the back of the mans mind, he knows that there is a bigger risk of a wife saying “No” to something then a girlfriend. And a greater chance of the wife enforcing that mandate.

Really, to an extent, it’s hard to blame some of these men for being afraid. One of the big draws of marriage from a woman’s point of view is security. The knowledge that the man they’ve claimed is theirs, and will not be off without them doing something stupid. But to a man, that “security” is exactly what frightens them. The second that ring goes on his finger, he knows his days of living in a strip-club and soliciting prostitutes for blowjobs behind the 7-11 are over. He knows that his life must change, and even if that change is for the better, it can be scary.

“Wait, wait… you mean now that I’m married, I CAN’T keep fucking other women? Who came up with these rules?!?”

Obviously in some cases that may be over-stating the issues a bit, but the point remains; Marriage means an end to at least some of the behavioral patterns that they’ve become accustomed to. Why they’re frightened really isn’t that big a mystery. The bigger question is what you can do about. And really, I can’t help you much there. Unless you’re willing to put “After we’re married, I promise to still let you fuck me in the ass"” into a signed and notarized contract, it’s pretty hard to invalidate their concerns. Just let him know you love him, and hope that’s enough.

what men are really thinking

2006-07-31T05:51:00.000+03:00

few days ago i threw away nearly all my old writings including my diaries coz i didn't find they were special...yea, i read them all over and they seemed very typical...ordinary...not worth keeping.
i had to think a bit more about my diaries before getting rid of them..coz they r my memories after all... but thought maybe i don't want those memories...maybe i'll just make better ones and maybe those new ones will inspire me to write better ... maybe later there'll be thoughts worth thinking.

P.S. my results are out and i've passed!!!!!

2006-07-28T03:39:00.000+03:00

Out of empty and monotonous days, out of solitude, out of scornful words directed at us, gloominess grow up in us like fungus: you wake up and it is there, you know not how & it endlessly dedicate its time to gaze upon you, ugly and morose.
The tragic side of the human life ,with all its feelings of having been tantalized by a slithering dullard to whom you formerly offered a pen so he wrote you a lampoon, its sponge-like heart that absorbs all the real and imaginary malevolence & its recurring violent thoughts compelling you to re-read "the miseries of the world" written by you, succeeds in making some people have a continuous waged world war going on in their inners & no wonder that their anxieties shatter all sleep upon other people's eyelids.Once the tide gets started it gains a powerful magnetic effect on the train of associations. I do regard it a real victory- yet a small one- that the person could engage it in a constructive way- by whatever means that I'm still unaware of- rather than wading immediately into an angry confront.
Drifting in a sea of depressive moods swaddled by conclusions, indicated rather than established, & ideas smothered at birth , days get a great deal of scars and scratches & the mind wonders: "is this life or something else?"

2006-07-25T12:41:00.000+03:00

It was a parade of echoes...didn't feel like a real conversation at all.
Words were not precise, meanings were obliterated, their content lost, they turned into trash, chaff, dust, sand; prowling through my brain, tearing at my head, they were my insomnia, my illness.
And what I yearned for vaguely but with all my might was unbounded silence, absolute hush, a pleasant & happy all-encompassing, overpowering, window-rattling din to engulf, once and for all, the pain, the futility, the vanity of words.

Blah Blah Blah

2006-07-23T21:52:00.000+03:00

Sometimes sentences with vulgar words in them make me smile, just the simplicity and innocence in them, there's something so sweet about wishing someone to go to hell.

Hold on tight to those you love,because we live on a damn slippery planet.

Tell stories, and worry about the next trend when you're on the toilet.

Don't try too hard to fix a breakup.I've seen friends through the whole thing and it's endless: endless cost and an endless pain in the arse.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

2006-07-20T19:22:00.000+03:00

What's wrong with swearing?
It does have purpose after all: venting frustrations, emphasis,or communicating intense emotion, it does accomplish something: emotional release, provocation, making an impression, communication of intense emotion or distancing yourself from a group.

what's the point of not using it? If we're never supposed to say certain words, why do we have them? Why would someone invent words we should never say?

WHY MEN ARE SO COOL

2006-07-19T13:02:00.000+03:00

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- They know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- They can open their own jars.
- They get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- One who forgets to invite them to something can still be their friend.
- If they're 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on their face stays the same color.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- They don't have to clean the apartment if the meter reader comes.
- Car mechanics tell them the truth.
- They can quietly watch a ball game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
- Same work....more pay.
- Wedding dress - $2000. Tuxedo rental - $80.
- They can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, they just might become lifelong friends.
- Their friends can be trusted to never trap them with: "So, do you notice anything different?"
- They are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.
- The same hairstyle will last for years, maybe decades.
- They don't have to shave below their necks.
- Their belly usually hides their big hips.
- They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

2006-07-18T17:55:00.000+03:00

Bored? here's some ideas to keep you entertained...

*Pay off your MasterCard with your Visa.
*Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
*Have a tea party with your pets.
*Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
*Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to school as if nothing was wrong.
*Write "Out to lunch" on your forehead.
*Drive to the store in reverse.
*Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
*Read the dictionary backwards and look for hidden messages.
*Bill your doctor for time spent in the waiting room.
*Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
*Make up a language and stop someone to ask for directions.
*Write a short story using alphabet soup.
*Talk to your fish.
*Start conversations with people that start with, "Did you ever wonder why..."
*clean up a homeless cat then send it back on the streets.
*Read this.

2006-07-17T12:39:00.000+03:00

I can pretty much tell when a professional boxers fighting days are numbered. Those big crazy oafs. Here's what I look for: When he enters the ring, if he's wearing a sock puppet on one hand and an oven mitt on the other instead of his usual boxing gloves, well that's a pretty good sign that he's been punched in the head WAY too many times already. Apparently somethings been knocked loose in the old noggin. So, take my advice: Put ALL your money on his opponent... You know, there aren't many professions where you can get paid to actually pummel someones face for a living... although accounting comes to mind.

check morehere

2006-07-16T12:39:00.000+03:00

For the last couple of weeks I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors that I like to call Walaa's Perspective. One: If someone's standing in front of me in line at a takeaway restaurant and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them.
Two: I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!"
Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a human being is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.

2006-07-15T14:24:00.000+03:00

2006-07-14T15:00:00.000+03:00

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize.

For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

You Are a Lazy Cook

Technically, you're a cook... in that you do cook the occasional frozen burrito in the microwave.
Get a little adventurous. Sprinkle some fresh cheese on that frozen pizza next time!

Are You A Good Cook?

2006-07-14T14:15:00.000+03:00

I don't mind falling ...just find me a soft spot to fall upon.

2006-07-06T15:09:00.000+03:00

2006-07-06T14:37:00.000+03:00

avril lavigne lyrics

song lyrics

2006-07-04T14:23:00.000+03:00

What's the point of ceaselessly complaining of a condition of things which is indeed grievous, but which is largely of our own creation??
We demand high places without qualifying ourselves to hold high place; we rebel at a not uncommon attitude of contempt or of contemptuous toleration on the part of the public, but do not purge ourselves of the elements which excite that contempt; we accuse the world of indifference toward our work, but do little to render that work of such quality as to forbid indifference.

we go to classes ..we read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. we sleep very little. we bury ourselves in books. we become attached to close friends. we fucking lean toomuch.
we think often of the past then want to go back. we know we fucking can't.
some have seperate lives,families,backgrounds and pasts. we live totally different from what we planned to. we are frustrated ,sometimes want to give up...but we never stop trying.
we disregard health. we eat awful foods. some kill themselves with various types of smoke. someone is always sick. someone is always complaining.
we are forced to think about the future. we are scared and fucking confused.we reach out for things yet we don't find them.we try to sort out our minds, which are filled with studies,worries,problems,emotions,and powerful feelings.
we wander the halls looking for happiness.we hurt alot.we keep going though, because above all else, we never stop learning,growing,changing and most imporatnt dreaming.
all we can do is be thankful we have something to hold unto, like dreams and each other.

2006-07-03T06:46:00.000+03:00

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point.
with u i felt they r the three combined together..
is it too bad that u shall never know it?

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
things to live by...

10. If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

9. A good compromise leaves everyone mad.

8. It's not denial, I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

7. I don't DO math anymore, I decided I'm more of a visual person.

6. I'm happy, but it's not like I'm ecstatic.

5. I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

4. From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.

3. People pay more attention to you when they think your up to something.

2. Reality continues to ruin my life.

1. I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

2006-07-02T13:05:00.000+03:00

a nod and a smile is all i have for u... keep talking, i'm not really listening..asking for my opinion? i perfectly agree with all the holy gibberish with which u've just fouled the air.
what haven't u compalined about yet? who has victimized u recently? u feel better after u say alot of shit about my dad...go ahead..relieve urself a lil bit..
howl and moan and threaten to swallow acid...I DON'T CARE

2006-07-01T14:26:00.000+03:00

its just that it's never been my fav. place..... not even a place i can breathe freely in..there's always sm1 watching..sm1 judging..sm1 whose main job is to show me my imperfections...
part of growing up is realizing where and when u best function....i do have a choice of not to be where i don't want to... and yea, ur presence is toxic.. i don't have to deal with the shits going on in ur life... every1 has his own...and trust me i don't give a fuck whether u need a statue like me to hear u or not...
its fine to be the center of the drama if its in ur world... but i'm not in ur world nor will i allow u to be in mine... deal with it.

2006-07-01T14:05:00.000+03:00

2006-06-30T13:10:00.000+03:00

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very Slight
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

2006-06-30T02:56:00.000+03:00

losing contact with people is the easiest thing i've been doing for as long as any1 can remember... friends are like money; easy to make and hard to keep...still some kind of a painful prick always managed to make me think if i should really mourn my loss...
its just too hard to committ to certain people coz u happened to befriend them for a while...for me the first credential on the must-have list is to be available whenever needed..which kinda means all the time... and that's fine for the 1st 2 weeks or so...but then things get tedious and..umm.. i get bored even if the person i'm with has won Miss Congeniality 10,000,000,000 times.

so i give them my all-the-time-honored rule of "its not u, its me" and if that's too mean for their ears..well...they can go bang their heads or shoot themselves for all that i care..
and yea they r allowed to hate me..as long as they're not marrying me..hehe

2006-06-29T16:21:00.000+03:00

i don't think those who take their lives away are cowards or weak....and i can't possibly imagine what they felt like before doing it or how thoughts formed in their minds that suicide is the only solution...
but i do know that it takes just a little word or gesture to be added on a piled up heap of similar words and gestures and actions , accumulated over the years to make the person deicide that its just too much to bear.

life doesn't suck... its the people who make it so... and even though we r mortals we still behave as if we r not...

a recurring dream.

2006-05-26T17:40:00.000+03:00

I don't usually make a great fuss about dreams in general (though my mama quite believes they bear very important messsages to us) but one special dream has been repeating itself like 5 times now with 2 months interval in between and frankly it is getting me pretty worried.

it is simple. my dad ( who died 2 years ago) would be coming to pick me up to go with him somewhere.
that's it.

there's no other interpretation than this..> I'm going to die soon.

the weird thing is that not only me who's dreamed of this but also my mama and my sis and my bro.
we ALL dreamed the SAME dream.

whenever i start forgetting about it, someone wakes up the next morning to tell me it has recurred.

honestly i'm neither sad nor afraid...i just wanna know when coz the anticipation is killlllllling me.

A new book!!!

2006-05-25T18:07:00.000+03:00

1st of all let me tell u something people.
if you are on the verge of setting yourself on fire just out of sheer boredom, postpone it a lil bit till you get a great book like the one i'll be talking about here....by the time u finish reading it, you'd feel a complete change of mind.
trust me on that :)

"The unbearable lightness of being"
by Milan Kundera.

He is a Franco-Czech novelist, born in Brno and lived in France for almost 30 years. All his novels are originally in Czech and honestly the 1st time I ever knew he existed was 2 days ago when I bought this novel. To my luck it turned out to be grrrrrrrrrrreat. i've only read 93 pages out of 311 and I'm telling you this writer is a person who really matters.

On the back of the cover (which is an awesome white one), a Sunday times review :" There are novels that are tragic, or entertaining, and this one is both. There are very few that give a fresh perspective on existence, and force the reader to reassess his own life and attitudes"

Now enjoy this very special part I chose for you.

Suddenly he realized that all his life he had done nothing but talk, write, lecture, concoct sentences, search for formulations and amend them, so in the end no words were precise, their meanings were obliterated, their content lost, they turned into trash, chaff, dust, sand; prowling through his brian, tearing at his hand, they were his insomnia, his illness. And what he yearned for at that moment, vaguely but with all his might, was unbounded music, absolute sound, a pleasant and happy all-encompassing, overpowering, window-rattling din to engulf, once and for all, the pain, the futility, the vanity of words.

no where to go :(

2006-05-25T10:55:00.000+03:00

am i the only person feeling that i need badly to be outdoors yet there's no more interesting places to go to?
i'm fed up with all the malls, cafes, resturants, clubs...u name it.

plus, have u noticed how awful the people have recently become? driving like lunatics, talking loudly, staring, etcetra etcetra.

i'm just waiting till my friends finish their exams and like everytime we'll end up going to some place we've been to a million times.....i won't care as long as we r having good time.

my favourites.

2006-05-22T12:49:00.000+03:00

LAVIGNE AVRIL lyrics

SHANIA TWAIN lyrics

*couldn't find "unbreak my heart" ... it is among my top fav.

Some people are better off dead!

2006-05-19T06:30:00.000+03:00

How many people have abused you? not just physically, but mentally and/or emotionally?
C'mon, make your hit list.

mine is randomly arranged.

1-my 3rd primary Math teacher (Mr. Makram)

2-Sister Eveleena.

3-el bawab.

4-microbus drivers.

5-librarians at my club.

6-Aunt Amani.

7-the screaming lady who lives at the opposite building.

8-my highschool Math teacher (Mr. A.Bakr)

9-whoever made remote covers & whoever convinced mama to buy it.

10-the lady at Al forkan's orphanage.

11-one of (RS)'s cashiers.

12-some guy at the water station in KSA.

13-my college Math profs. (Dr. Bayomi & Dr. Abd El Aziz)

14-the florist near 7deket el tefl.

15-the peacocks' keeper at the zoo.

16-the director of "Addicted to love."

17-all female singers.

18-all men who pee in public.

19-all dogs.

20-my mama when she has those hysterias.

but at all times, I'd rather be a corpse than bury one.

Is there still a bright side of things?

2006-05-18T16:17:00.000+03:00

High infant-death rates, deficient nutrition, negligible medical care, widespread illiteracy, little or no vertical economic mobility, despotic government & necessities are taken from the many to give luxuries to the few. Voices of opposition are being shut out with impunity, wealth feeds politics and vice versa with growing numbers being disenfranchised. Votes are not counted and matter little when they are. Speech is not heared or is distorted and reduced to sound bites. Human rights are trampled in the name of National security.

We've seen it all...
Seems hard to turn a blind eye to all that and be content with the innocense that says "it just happens to other people".